It’s a common scenario—you’re home alone late on a Friday night, comfortably ensconced on the couch in your jammies. You look up from your laptop or book, and find yourself staring into the eyes of a giant malevolent RODENT. It could happen to anyone, so here’s an easy 13-step guide for dealing with a mouse in the house:

  1. Flee living room and stuff a rug under the door.
  2. Call spouse. Who is on a train coming home and can do nothing to help. Shriek “MOUSE! MOUSE!” incoherently into the phone.
  3. Call landlords. Who apparently turn off the ringer on their phone at night and don’t answer.
  4. Call Dad. Who is 400 miles away and was asleep, but kindly and groggily answers, because he’s the best Dad. Realize suddenly how ridiculous this situation is and start giggling hysterically. Reassure worried Dad that you’re just laughing, not losing your marbles.
  5. Make midnight grocery run, still in pajamas, to buy a no-kill trap.
  6. Set trap with peanut butter and go peacefully to bed, knowing that your troubles are over.
  7. The next day, find the trap still open. Stifle panic.
  8. Stuff bottom of pants into socks or rain boots. Arm self and spouse with trash can, flashlight, broom. Infiltrate living room.
  9. Locate mouse hiding behind a bag in living room closet. On the count of three, spouse will move the bag and trap the mouse under the trash can. Be ready with the broom to block it from running away. Because you are brave and can totally handle this.
  10. As soon as bag is lifted and mouse darts STRAIGHT AT YOUR FEET, scream bloody murder, wave broom in air, and jump up and down. Because you so can’t handle this.
  11. Flee room and let spouse catch the mouse singlehandedly with a loaf pan.
  12. Slide cutting board under loaf pan, release mouse in wooded area far from house, while neighbors watch in confusion.
  13. Heap praise on spouse till he/she gets a big head. Burn cutting board and loaf pan.

In sum, to effectively counter a mouse attack, marry a good spouse.

You’re welcome. I also specialize in large tropical cockroaches. Please send all inquiries, pest-related and otherwise, to feastings@gmail.com for expert problem-solving.

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